logo
Currently Browsing: Communication Tips

What Word Needs to Go?

logo

Funny how a simple word can carry so much judgment.

What if our lives could be enhanced by eliminating just one word?  Sound too far-fetched?

Not really, when we see how the word “should” interferes with positive thinking and our daily interactions.

So, what’s wrong with the word “should”?

Well, if used when talking to someone else, “should” is always attached to some kind of (most often, unsolicited) judgment, whereupon the speaker assumes the addressee is “sub par” in some way.

But that judgment is based on the speaker’s own personal expectations—even though the thought is expressed as though the whole world is in agreement.  Most significantly, thoughts with “should” in them do not offer ways to help.

Here are some common judging statements and how they might be modified to do the latter.

“You should pay more attention when I’m talking to you.”
How can I help you stay focused when I’m talking to you?

“You should be nicer to your brother.”
Let’s role-play ways to play with your brother so no one gets upset.

“You should be more organized with your school work.”
Would you like ideas on how to organize your homework so that you know when assignments are due?

We also use “should” a lot in terms of how we view ourselves. In fact, many of us are harder on ourselves than others.

Here, our “should” thoughts seem to infer that we expect ourselves to perform at some high standard all the time. And, once again, that kind of judgmental mindset does nothing to move us forward.

So if we find ourselves saying that we “should have” done something, we can have fun and first mock ourselves—and then reframe the thought in a constructive way. For example:

“I should have known he was going to cause trouble.”
Why? Am I suddenly clairvoyant? 
I will address whatever happened in the way that that moves everyone forward.

“I should have never eaten that chocolate cake.”
Why? Am I never allowed to indulge myself?
I will limit myself to two desserts a week.

“I should have paid the bills on time.”
Why? Am I so perfectly organized (or have so much free time) that it’s inconceivable I could ever be late?
I will make paying the bills a high priority next month.

Even more positively oriented statements such as: “I should join a book club” can be tweaked to eliminate all judgment: “I will explore whether there’s a local book club I can join.”

So, hope the word “should” isn’t taking it personal when I write that I’ve decided to toss it out of my vocabulary. Just seems like a really easy way to stay positive.

 

When Kids Make Fun of Kids

logo

It’s possible to turn kids making fun of other kids . . . into something positive.

A mother recently shared that another child was mimicking her daughter’s speech. She admitted that her daughter’s speech is sometimes hard to understand, but nonetheless, she was upset by this.

I certainly understand a knee-jerk reaction of wanting to shield and protect our kids from such negative interactions.  But since we cannot control what others say and do, I actually find such situations to be  . . . unexpected gifts.

How can that be? Well, it gives us a chance (as parents) to teach our kids how to respond when others aren’t acting in ways we perceive to be kind or understanding.  In truth, we all continue to experience such unpleasantness throughout our lives. So why not help our kids build effective brain maps right now—when they are young—so that such negativity doesn’t throw them off balance, now or later.

For example, we can teach our kids not to cringe or withdraw or even judge the person who wasn’t responding as we’d like.

We do this by role-playing what our child might say to shift the spotlight back on that person who initiates the negativity.

For example, in this case, our child might say: “I was wondering why you’re imitating how I speak.”

With that single comment, we empower our child how to quickly redirect the focus back to the other person, as well as teach her to ask others to clarify their intent.  Wouldn’t that be a helpful brain map to have throughout life?

Or, our child could ask: “How were you hoping I’d respond when you imitate how I speak?”

Again, this comment puts the spotlight back on that person—so that he’s the one on center-stage and is now the person who has to come up with a response.

Of course, it’s unlikely the child will say something as direct as, “Well, I was hoping you’d cry because I’m mean.”  But even if the child says that, then this immediately erases any doubt the comment was really about him—and not our child.

But more likely, the response will be something along the lines of, “Uh, I don’t know” or “I just thought it was funny.”

So we teach our child to follow up (regardless of what the person says) with only this short sentence: “Thanks for sharing that.”

Nothing more needs to be said because our child has already accomplished the original goal: She has nicely shifted that she, not the other child, has been in control of this interaction.

Or, our child can even just say from the get-go:  “Thanks for giving me feedback that it’s sometimes hard to understand my speech.  Good to know that I’m working hard at building highways in my brain so that it will be easier to understand me.”

It’s irrelevant whether or not the other child processes that message. When our child says this truth aloud, it reminds her why her speech may seem unintelligible to others—and that it won’t be that way forever.

So, while it sounds odd, kids making fun of other kids can actually be a wonderful gift—if we choose to view it that way.  In fact, all challenges are really just opportunities (in disguise) to learn.

 

Why Kids Lie

logo

After our child makes a poor decision, does he believe that lying is his best response?

There are three reasons kids lie.  When we understand those differences, we know how best to respond.

Kids lie because:

1) They don’t process information well.

In such instances, they really think they heard you (or someone else) say something—even when that’s not the case. There’s often even some shred of “truth” to their fabrication.

For example, suppose our child hears us say that we’d love to go to Hawaii for Christmas, but her brain processes that as  . . . We’re going to Hawaii for Christmas!

So that’s what she tells everyone. She may even get upset when called out for her “lie”—since she really believes that’s what was said.

2) They don’t interact well in social conversations.

The intent, here, is not to create a lie to evade responsibility for something they may have said and done.

Instead, such kids come up with something often wildly preposterous as a way to circumvent feeling uneasy and to start or become part of an on-going conversation. For example, they may say that they saw a famous pop star when they were at the store.  Or they’ll say something such as, “It snowed at my house yesterday”—but they live by the beach in Southern California.

When called out on the whopper—which is what usually happens—the child insists that whatever she said was the truth. In fact, the more someone challenges the whopper, the more adamant she becomes.

So the whopper becomes a way to shift an initial friendly conversation into an argument. And guess what?  That kind of interaction actually feels good and familiar to the child who told the whopper. So, now she’s at ease (which was the original, subconscious goal).

3) They want to avoid judgment and punishment. 

From these kids’ perspective, it’s more appealing to lie than tell the truth because the former (at least) creates the possibility of avoiding a negative response.  In other words, this kind of lie is more of a protective, fear-based reaction to how such kids project someone might respond if they “find out” what they did.

There’s a common thread among kids who tell these kinds of lies.  Usually, those in charge of them tend to be attached to an outcome, judge if such outcomes don’t meet their criteria, use lots of judgmental words in their daily interactions, and resort to punishment if behavior is not up to their standard.

So how do we respond to such different kinds of lies?

If we realize that our child doesn’t process information well, we initiate a general discussion on this topic. We make sure to do this when we’re all “in our cortex” (versus right after there’s been a miscommunication).

We may even play the game “Telephone” to underscore the idea that communications are not always processed as they were actually said.  We then establish some kind of code word to use if our child now says something that she believes to be true, but we know . . .  wasn’t actually processed as intended.

At various times, we can also ask our child to tell us what she thinks we just said (especially if we don’t think she processed the message). Doing so gives us a chance to clarify any misinterpretation, right then.

If our child tells whoppers, we no longer call her out.  In fact, we completely ignore all whoppers. Instead, we use that as our cue to see how we might include our child in the current conversation in a way that puts her at ease. We may also seek ways to help her, in general, become more skilled in the art of making conversation.

If our child tells lies as a fear-based reaction, we first reflect on how we actually deal with mistakes in our home that perpetuates such fear.  Do we yell? Do we judge? Are we demeaning? Do we immediately punish?

If so, then it’s really no surprise that our child concludes it’s better to lie than tell the truth—even though such conclusion is not viewed similarly by others.

But trust is also a two-way street. While we want to be able to trust our child, here’s the second part of that equation: Does she trust us?  In other words, why doesn’t our child believe she can tell us the truth?

That may be a hard question to answer. But more times than not, such answers are the catalyst for changing a child who lies into one who tells the truth.

We may also ponder these questions: Has our child ever had a positive experience where telling the truth served her well? Has anyone actually taught her how to take responsibility if she makes a poor decision?

I’m not advocating that if kids tell the truth, then they just waltz away without any more ado.  Not at all.

But if our kids don’t first trust us enough to share the truth, then we miss incredible opportunities to teach them.

For example, when they feel secure enough to admit when they’ve “messed up,” we can now help them explore ways to rectify that situation. We can teach them not only to learn from their mistakes, but also how to accept responsibility for their actions. It seems like those experiences would build ever-lasting character and serve our child—in the long run—far more than issuing a generic punishment for lying.

So I’m not sure that it’s ever helpful to view a child as “a liar.”  Instead, we can opt to hear such responses (if they happen) as mere feedback that gives us insights—both about our child and ourselves—so that we may know how to respond in a way that moves everyone forward.

Giving and Receiving

logo

Do we give to others, but deny others to do the same for us?

Giving and receiving are part of the same circle; we can’t have one without the other.

Yet, after we’ve become parents, that circle is often lopsided, with the greater emphasis on the giving side. Somewhere along the line, we seem to forget how to also receive graciously.  We’re overwhelmed, tired, frustrated—but when people offer to help, we often brush them aside, saying, “I’m okay.”

My dad, who lives completely on his own, now needs help getting his weekly groceries. Mind you, he can still do all the shopping; he just can’t drive to the store any more. So, I wanted to arrange a schedule where family members came and took him to the store each week.

As expected, his first response was no.  He just could pay someone to do this.  But I was armed with my giving and receiving speech.

I told him he had given so much throughout his life, yet I couldn’t recall a single time he had ever asked someone else for help. I talked about his lopsided circle when it came to giving and receiving, and how it wasn’t fair to my sisters or me if he didn’t allow us to help him.  I knew I had to offer a fresh perspective in order to circumvent his knee-jerk “I can take care of this myself” response.

Guess what? We’ve not only set up a grocery store schedule, but he loves doing it this way! He still gets to do the part that’s fun for him (picking out his own grapefruit, deciding what cookies he wants, etc.), all while enjoying the company of one of his girls during the excursion.

But we don’t have to wait until we’re 94 to open some space to allow others to give to us.  However, the first step may be to make it known that, yes, we’d love some help.

That’s especially true if we’re now thinking, “Well, no one ever offers to help me.” Chances are  . . . they did a long time ago. But after so many refusals, people do quit asking. Of course, we don’t ever have an expectation that someone should help us.

So, what else gets in the way of receiving graciously?  There’s pride (I’m confident and capable) or self-judgment (I should be able to handle this on my own) or just plain habit (I’m used to doing everything myself).Yet, each of these thoughts push others away from helping us, and so our giving and receiving circle remains lopsided.

For kids, receiving is a natural.  However, their giving and receiving circle is often tilted heavily on the receiving side.

So how can we balance that? Well, we can encourage our kids to routinely give gifts that require no money.  For example, they can give thanks for the rain and sunshine (since we couldn’t live without either!).  They can give their time, such as visiting a senior home or even just calling up Grandma or Grandpa to chat.  They can give away something they own to someone who may appreciate it more. They can give a smile to someone who is feeling down.

Sharing is also a form of giving, so kids can be encouraged to share a toy or treat, or even share a creative idea that they may have.

In truth, there are endless possibilities when it comes to giving and receiving.

So maybe this upcoming holiday becomes an opportunity to begin balancing our giving and receiving circles if they’re out of whack. For example, if we fall short in the latter category, we now open space for others to help us.  If our kids fall short in the former, we now redirect them to adopt more of a giving than receiving mindset.

And when we do so, we discover that the spirit of giving and receiving . . .  is truly one and the same.

Why Kids Slouch

logo

We can glean clues about a child’s brain organization by how he sits in a chair.

Somewhere along the line, we’ve come to associate slouching with being inattentive.  That’s why we often hear adults telling kids, “Sit up, and pay attention!”

Yet, I know many kids who actually pay less attention when made to sit up straight.

How can that be?

Well, some kids have retained primitive reflexes.  In such case, sitting upright in a chair isn’t as automatic as it should be.

For example, a child with a retained Tonic Labyrinthine Reflex will experience difficulty doing movement that goes against the pull of gravity.  So these kids can only sit upright for a very short period of time before being “pulled down” (i.e. gravity wins).

This then explains why such kids sink lower and lower into their chair, or they sprawl across the desk when reading and writing.  At least, in these positions, they can start to concentrate on the task as hand (they’re no longer distracted by fighting gravity) . . . that is, until they’re, once again, told to sit up straight.

Some teachers mistakenly think the child who always puts his head on the desk while writing is not going to bed at an appropriate time. She may even call the parent about this.

If the parent does not also understand the connection between retained primitive reflexes and difficulty sitting upright in a chair, she may now put her child to bed earlier (even though she’s a little miffed about the call because her child does go to bed at a decent hour).

Yet that mom can put her child to bed at noon or earlier—and he’s still going to go down, down, down when sitting in a chair.  He’s wired to do so.

But now, the teacher may think the parent is ignoring her bedtime concern or lying about his real bedtime. After all, the child is still always sprawled over the desk. Since the mother is putting the child to bed earlier, she may start to think the teacher is just out to get her son.  And all the while, no one understands the real reason the child slouches.

We’ve actually all experienced fighting gravity while sitting up. Think when we’ve had a bad flu. Suddenly, trying to sit up (let alone straight) is very cumbersome. We’d much rather be lying down, right?  Imagine, then, how difficult this is for kids with primitive reflexes, who have to deal with this all the time.

So, maybe the next time we see a child slouching . . . we let it be.

Page 2 of 512345
logo
Powered by Wordpress | Designed by Elegant Themes