If the child keeps doing the same behavior, should we consider another approach?
I’ve met a lot of kids whose body language changes the minute they think someone is going to talk to them about their behavior. They either look resigned and defeated or combative and hostile. Sometimes they’ll throw in, “I know. I’m a bad kid” or, “I’m always being called out.”
Couple that with a parent, teacher or coach who already views the child’s action as negative, and it’s no wonder that the exchange does not go well.
But what if we wipe out a perception that the child was “bad” or did something “wrong” when we approach her about a concerning behavior?
What if, instead, we first assure the child that we want to help, rather than punish, her?
What if we then communicate in a way that helps her understand why the behavior is worrisome—and therefore helps her conclude on her own that such behavior is not in her best interest?
So how do we do that?
We start by assuring kids that they are not in trouble . . . that we just want to talk to see if we might be able to help them. Upon hearing those words, it’s amazing how many resigned, slouching kids sit up straight or how many hostile kids automatically unfold their arms.
We then explain why the concerning behavior may not serve them well. To do that, I find it helpful to make a connection between what happens in the brain every time the child does the behavior and how that may then cause problems today, tomorrow, and far into the future.
Here are a few examples of how such a dialogue might start:
Behavior: Son hits his mother when he’s upset
Father’s starting dialogue: Every time you hit your mom, you’re reinforcing a brain map that says, “Hitting a female is okay if you’re angry.” The only problem is . . . there is nowhere on this entire planet where anyone thinks it’s okay to hit a female—at any time. So it worries me that your brain is learning something that it thinks is fine—when it’s definitely going to mess you up.
Behavior: Child doesn’t wait before being given the signal or permission to do something
Mother’s starting dialogue: Every time you don’t wait, you’re reinforcing a brain map that says, “If I’m feeling impatient, it’s okay to go ahead and do whatever.” The only problem is . . .there are lots of times when it’s in our best interest to wait—and how is your brain ever going to learn that?
For example, what if your ball rolls out into the street and you run to get it without waiting to see if any cars are coming? What if when you’re older and driving, you don’t feel like waiting at a red light—so you just punch it?
Note how the above dialogue is focused on helping the child reflect, not defend, his concerning behavior.
For those who are saying: What? The kid gets off scot-free with this approach?
Guess it depends on the parent’s goal. I’m thinking if the child has already been previously scolded and punished for the behavior—and she still continues to do it—the punitive approach probably isn’t working all that well.
Maybe that’s a sign to try something different.
Kids can learn that screaming
is an undesirable way to respond.
To clarify: We’re talking about learned screaming. We’re not talking about a child who’s screaming because he’s hurt and in true physical pain.
To end screaming, we need to first acknowledge the following:
If our child already has a big brain map that says SCREAM, we may initially need to do some groundwork to get back on track. Here are some ideas for different situations.
Public Outbursts
Yes, it’s hard to ignore our child’s screaming when we’re in our local grocery store, since people do stare. So that’s why we drive to a grocery store in another county—where we’ll never see those people again—and let our child wail away. Once in the car, we tell our child that screaming no longer gets our attention or prompts us to exit quickly.
Screaming at Home
We tell our child that he can scream for as long as he likes because we now enjoy screaming. So when he starts to scream, we encourage him to be even louder. We smile and clap our hands. We dance around him. We get the whole family to join in.
Why? Well, the brain becomes totally confused by this completely unexpected response. In fact, some kids just stop screaming—cold—while they’re trying to process it all. But the point is . . . if our child’s brain now perceives screaming as something fun for others (and he’s not part of that), then it no longer retains its old power.
Pre-emption
If we know our child is more vulnerable to screaming when he’s tired or over-stimulated, we leave (wherever) before he gets to that point during this “re-educating” stage.
Differentiated Touch
If our child is used to being embraced while screaming, we establish touching him in a way that differs from how we hold him while we’re (legitimately) comforting or being affectionate. For example, if we need to physically move our child while screaming, we now use a cold and impersonal touch.
Yuck and Yay
If we’re used to trying to calm our child down while screaming, we may need to adopt a simple one-word approach (especially if our child is very young). At the very first scream, we merely put our thumb down and say with a lot of presence: Yuck.
But that‘s it. We only get one yuck. Multiple yucks while the child continues to scream only results in giving the same attention as engaging in a conversation—and we don’t want that. Moreover, if our first yuck didn’t get the job done, it’s likely because we lacked a calm, but assertive, demeanor when saying it. So changing our presence—not repeating yuck—moves things forward. In contrast, we also need to reinforce when our child doesn’t scream by immediately saying: Yay!
New Responses
If we have a screamer, we probably know what sets him off. So, we role play those situations, modeling different responses. For example, we might pretend we’re out shopping and model saying, “Mom, I’m really tired, and there’s so much noise in this mall. Do you think we could leave soon?” (Note that saying, “Use your words!” is not effective in eliminating screaming.)
And just as some folks need to chew gum when they initially give up smoking, some kids may need to adopt a silent scream during this transition period. To do so, they open their mouths as wide as possible and go through all the motions of a huge scream—but they just never use their vocal cords.
Short Goals
To help our child’s brain register that it is capable of being quiet, we may need to start with really short goals. For example, if we want our child to be quiet while we’re talking to someone else, we may set it up so that our child knows he’s going to be quiet for just 20 seconds. With that success, we build (at different times) to 30 seconds, 50 seconds, and so on.
The bottom line on screaming: Since no one in the world embraces this kind of response, there’s no time like the present to eliminate it.
Parenting presents different challenges when the brain is not organized as intended.
Amy Chua is a professor of law at Yale. Yet, her case that Chinese mothers are superior to Western parents is weak.
In her article, Why Chinese Mothers are Superior, she claims that the solution to substandard performance is “always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it.”
Well, lucky for Ms. Chua that her kids must have developed their lower centers of the brain and inhibited their primitive reflexes. Otherwise, I think she’d have a very different take on parenting.
That’s because it doesn’t matter how much a parent screams or threatens or takes away belongings (she gives several examples where she is proud to have done this) when such development is incomplete. The truth is, no parent—Chinese or Western— can “will” a brain to do something if it’s not wired to do so.
So I’d like to suggest different criteria for identifying superior parents. I think that title should go to moms and dads who know whether their child has completed their lower brain development—and who then learn how to help their child build those highways, if warranted.
That, Amy Chua, is the best way to guarantee our children become who they are supposed to be.
There may be a physiological reason that explains why some kids are afraid to exercise.
Whenever something is “wrong” with a child, we often look straight to the parents. For example, if a child is overweight, we’re quick to conclude that those parents aren’t monitoring their child’s eating habits or ensuring that he gets enough daily exercise.
And that may be the case. But there are other reasons that contribute to a child’s weight problem—and they have nothing to do with parenting. Here are three other factors:
1. Some kids’ lower centers of the brain never finished developing when they were babies. In such case, they may not get the message that they are full after they’ve eaten since that feedback is an automatic function of a fully developed midbrain. So imagine trying to control your weight when you’re always hungry.
2. Some kids have poor sensory processing, and that makes them feel as though they’re living life on a tight rope. When our senses work as intended, we feel secure when we move. However, if not, we may dread even the slightest movement. No surprise that such kids aren’t eager to play soccer or sign up for gymnastics or engage in any other kind of exercise.
3. Some kids have a virus that has recently been linked to obesity. A new study by a researcher at the University of California suggests that childhood obesity may be linked to adenovirus36. In the study, 78% of the children who tested positive for the virus were also obese.
And then, what if a child eats junk food, doesn’t exercise, and has one or more of the above going on? Maybe all those factors, together, explain the rise in childhood obesity.
The bottom line: It may take more than just a change in eating habits and an increase in exercise for kids to be healthy and fit.
We can increase the odds
of keeping teens safe.
There’s no getting around it: The teenage brain is a mess. At the beginning of adolescence, the brain has a ton of neural connections. Then it goes through a period where it starts pruning away some of those very same connections.
To make life even more confusing, the part of the brain dealing with emotions is working overtime, and the part moderated by reason is taking a back seat. Unfortunately, that means teens probably aren’t thinking much about safety.
Can we change the teenage brain? No. Can we act in ways to keep teens safe? Yes. Here are some ideas.
1. Have your teen drive a slow, safe car.
Who cares if your teen thinks your old Volvo isn’t cool? Make that car the only option . . . or he can walk or take the bus.
2. Limit the possibilities.
When our family stayed in that remote cabin over New Year’s, logistics ensured that my girls weren’t going to that “big party.”
3. Keep all your ducks in your pond.
While there’s admittedly a downside to having your teen’s bedroom close to yours, it’s much harder for a teen to engage in suspect activity when you’re right across the hall.
4. Rehearse ready-to-use excuses for unsafe situations.
Some standbys might be, “Sorry, I’m training for (fill-in-the-blank)” when offered alcohol or drugs, or, “I’m feeling sick and need to go home” when things are getting out of control.
5. Check out the parents of your teen’s friends.
Parents often have different ideas of supervision, so it’s helpful to know if everyone is on the same page.
6. Make everything related to safety not open for discussion.
If you initiate this policy when they’re very young, it will transfer into the teen years.
7. Stick to Cinderella (and earlier) curfews.
Even if your teen drives responsibly, what about those other folks on the road after midnight?
8. Strive to be the unpopular parent.
The more your teen thinks you’re not cool, the more you’re probably keeping him safe.
9. Work together to set online guidelines.
Discuss with your teen how to reap the positive benefits of the internet without the negatives (e.g. inappropriate sites, predators, etc.).
10. Replace lectures with hands-on experiences.
Have your teen volunteer somewhere she’ll interact with people facing the consequences of drunk driving and using drugs.
11. Ensure your teen completes her lower brain development.
If the lower brain is developed, your teen won’t make poor decisions based on distorted information (for example, choosing not to wear a seatbelt because his brain is continually distracted by how that feels against his body).
While safeguards are important, we also need to give teens some freedom and independence. We just have to be smart about it.
For example, at 15, my daughter told me she didn’t know how much longer she could be the “only one” not drinking. It wasn’t so much about wanting to be drunk. Rather, she just felt she needed to do something rebellious.
So she became the first kid in her group to get her bellybutton pierced. She told everyone of our deal: She traded drinking for piercing. Did it last forever? No, but that response kept her alcohol-free for two years.
As parents, we just want to make sure our teens become adults who live long, wonderful lives. My 92-year-old father is often asked the secret to his longevity, and his response indirectly relates to teens. He says, “You need good health, good attitude, and good luck – and two out of three are not enough.”
Unfortunately, it’s that “good luck” variable that keeps us up until our teens are home, safe and sound.
