Some of the best parenting advice comes from none other than . . . Cesar Milan, the Dog Whisperer.
I’m serious. No, I’m not inferring that your child is a pit bull or Rottweiler. But listen to what he says, substituting the word “dog” with “child,” and you may be amazed at how his advice also applies to parents.
Cesar Milan has great advice for dog owners . . . and parents.
Here are some of the main points he makes on his site and during his weekly television show:
On Cesar’s show, the dogs and personal stories change weekly, but the ending is always the same. Lo and behold, the owners discover that once they change their behavior, the dog’s behavior also changes.
In other words, the dog is never the variable. While viewers watch various owners go through a process before they arrive at this “amazing” realization, Cesar and his fans always know how it’s going to go right from the start.
We’ve been working with families for over 11 years at the Brain Highways program, and we, too, find that once the parents change their behavior, their kids’ behavior also changes. While we use more people-friendly terms (we talk about parents reclaiming their castle since they’re the kings and queens who rule it), we have the same philosophy for kids as Cesar does for dogs.
So, if you’re not sure that you always rule your own castle, try watching The Dog Whisperer. Often, it’s easier to take information in and reflect when examples are a few steps removed from our own personal situation. If you find yourself sighing and shaking your head since you know the poodle’s owner is contributing to or even causing the existing problem, ask yourself if anything in the show might apply to your own home. Sometimes, the answer is very humbling.
There is a lot more smiling when the whining ends.
On a 1:10 scale, how badly do you want to end whining?
If you paused or said anything less than a ten, then the tips below probably won’t be useful to you. No whining is an all-or-nothing deal. However, if you’re game, here’s how you can end whining today.
First, we gotta chuck prior advice. How many times have you tried to ignore whining–only to have your child’s endurance outlast yours? Second, no more telling kids: “Use your words.” That’s about as effective as telling someone who’s upset to calm down.
Some parents may also need to do something overt. For example, families can bury all their (imaginary) whining in a hole in the backyard, or parents can post Whine-free Zone signs around the house. Most of all, parents need to tell kids it’s not in their best interest to clutter prime cortical real estate with a whining brain map.
With the above in place, here are three effective ways to respond to whining:
1. Make the situation worse if the child whines.
Suppose a child is told to clear the table, and she responds with: “Why do I have to do it? It’s not fair. I did it last night.”
The parent responds: “Now you can also sweep the floor. Was there anything else you’d like to add?” If the child whines yet again, the parent says, “Great. Now you can also take out the trash.”
2. Teach the child to explore options.
Suppose a child complains he’s too tired to get his homework done on days he has soccer practice. Help the child start thinking in terms of solutions by asking questions:
“What are your options? Could you go to bed earlier and do your homework in the morning? Could you talk to your teacher to see if there’s any flexibility in homework deadlines? What else is possible?”
3. Use humor.
We’re all cranky at times. When my girls were little and we took long car trips in a jam-packed car, they’d sometimes start to complain about being so cramped. So my husband and I would start whining with each other over who would end their whining. That made the girls smile, and the whining ended.
If we believe we can eliminate whining, we really can make it go away. And then . . .the only “whine” in our house is the kind that comes with cheese.
We can end kids' whining.
In Vegas, 30:1 odds are not considered good. But to a kid who’s known to whine? Hey, those odds are great. That kid doesn’t care if 29 out of 30 times his whining falls on deaf ears. It’s that one time when it works—that keeps whining alive on a regular basis.
But there’s a downside to the occasionally effective whining. It gets registered in the brain as being useful, so the child tries it again and again.
However, I don’t think people aspire to have whiners in their lives. Ever heard of someone looking for a spouse or boss or in-law who whines?
The truth is . . . whining children often evolve into whining adults.
It’s not just the bleak prospect of whining kids becoming whining grown-ups that should make us pause. Whining is the polar opposite of a cortex response, which is the kind of answer that we actually want our children to give.
For example, when our kids perceive something as unfair, we hope they’ll communicate in a way that shows reflection and thought. When our kids are frustrated by something troublesome, we hope they’ll explore options and creative solutions. That’s a cortex way of looking at a situation or problem.
In contrast, whining skips over all that cortical thinking and leaps right to holding someone else responsible for the present misery. And when that person doesn’t respond in kind? Well, more whining (of course).
The good news? Whining is not related to some neurological underdevelopment of the lower or higher centers of the brain. Whining only happens because we allow it.
Interested in eliminating whining from your life?
How to Stop Kids’ Whining-Part 2 will appear in the next post.
There are a variety of techniques to help kids transition.
At the Brain Highways Center, every child transitions 15 times during a 45-minute class. Here’s what we recommend and why it works.
1. Be goofy: Humor and novelty override primitive reflex responses.
2. Add visual, tactile, and auditory cues: If there’s static in one or more sensory channels, a multisensory approach helps ensure comprehension.
3. Add speed: There’s no time to get distracted while racing.
4. Avoid solo transitions: If everyone has to make the switch, there’s no fear-based reaction (i.e. Why me?) from being singled out.
5. Transition during an undesirable activity: We’re all more likely to transition if the current activity is not so fun.
6. Let your child direct the transition: Kids with an underdeveloped pons and midbrain like to be in control, so they’re more apt to do what they’ve stipulated.
7. Jumpstart the transition: Kids with an underdeveloped pons tend only to see what is right in front of them. So, give them what they need to get started.
What else has worked for you?
When we address what's going on with the lower centers of the brain, kids transition easily.
An underdeveloped pons or underdeveloped midbrain or poor proprioception can make it really difficult to shift from one activity to the next. Here’s why.
As soon as kids with an underdeveloped pons perceive something as a threat (it doesn’t have to be real), they react with a fight-or-flight response. Demand that something needs to happen RIGHT NOW, and the fight just escalates.
If those kids go into flight instead of fight, they delay or postpone the upcoming perceived threat—which makes sense. How quickly would any of us transition if the next activity required us to jump into a pit of rattlesnakes?
Kids with an underdeveloped midbrain get stuck on a recurring thought (“I want to play with Legos! I want to play with Legos!”). With that thought spinning in their brain, any new message (e.g. “Time for dinner.”) has slim to no chance of being processed. Such kids also have trouble filtering unimportant sensory stimuli. That then makes it difficult to focus on transition directions or to switch activities without being distracted.
Kids with poor proprioception don’t always navigate successfully from Point A to Point B—especially, if there’s a large open space involved in the transition. So they drift everywhere but in the direction they need to go.
And, of course, a child can have an underdeveloped pons and an underdeveloped midbrain and poor proprioception . . . making the task of transitioning especially challenging.
Can kids make smooth transitions even if the lower brain development is incomplete? Yes. Such approaches then offer new solutions for parenting kids with Autism, Asperger’s, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and other children who experience difficulty switching from one activity to the next.
Helping Kids Transition – Part 2 will appear in the next post. Photo courtesy of parents connect.com
